Definitely, mothers and daughters share a lot while mothers and sons start out being different, and they continue to be different as time passes. They are raised in different cultures, so children grow up with a “Male Code” and a “Female Code.” Mothers have to make the effort to learn about the “Male Code.”

How does a strong mother-son relationship develop?

It starts with consistency, patience, and emotional closeness, which are important for all babies, and the process is the same for boys and girls. Be aware of cultural or family messages that would pressure you to distance from your son when he is very young. Accept the fact that boys have a different communication style. Respect your son’s need for emotional space. Be willing to overcome the fundamental differences of male/female in order to communicate.

Nearly every mother knows how hard it can be to communicate with her son. Sometimes it seems as her son grows older, he grows more distant. How can we get our sons to talk to us?

Don’t try to approach your son like you would your daughter. Wait and watch for cues that your son is willing to talk. Ease into a conversation slowly and carefully. Give him something to keep his hands busy while he talks. Don’t make an emotional or dramatic response. Remember the “male code.” Let him choose the time to talk.

What about single moms? If there is no father figure living in the house to help a son feel “manly,” can a single mother ever hope to succeed with her son?

Whether single or married, the mother-son relationship is very important, and single moms can be just as successful as a couple in raising boys. It just takes a very conscious effort to understand and practice the “male code.” Don’t solve problems for him. Let him find “manly” ways to solve his problem. Also, be sure there are positive, trustworthy males in his life to add to what you do: grandparent, teacher, adult family friends, etc.

For more information on relationships, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

Besides sharing the same gender, they usually share the same social roles of wife, daughter, sister and mother. This relationship is so important that a 1991 study of 403 women found that the quality of a woman’s relationship with her mother is linked to her overall sense of well-being and her level of psychological distress. Obviously, no matter what our age, our mothers are a tremendous influence in our lives

How does a good mother-daughter relationship begin?

Most young girls start out idolizing their mothers. She identifies with her mother, sees her as a role model. She may believes that Mom has a solution to everything. On the other hand, mothers should give daughters opportunities to hone their own decision-making skills, to teach them that they have responsibilities and control over their own lives. Mothers should also encourage other female role models, so the daughter does not come to depend on mother for everything

What about that relationship that teenage daughters and their mothers seem to have? Is it inevitable?

It’s probable, if not inevitable. But it’s perfectly normal. This is the age of separation, for both boys and girls, which is necessary to establish her own identity. Teenage girls need psychological distance, and mothers should respect that. If mother & daughter were close before, they will be close again after this stage.

After a woman is grown and has her own family, the mother/daughter relationship changes. How does it stay healthy?

Often, mother & daughter reconnect after the daughter’s first baby is born. Both mother and daughter need to honor the adult relationship: daughter is no longer a child that needs supervising and mother is no longer the source of all the problem-solving. And when mom gets older and needs daughter to care for her, they both need to accept that the roles have reversed, and that’s OK. That’s life!

For more information on relationships, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

The relationship should change and grow. Communication must be effective and conflicts resolved in a caring manner.

It takes two people who are totally committed to each other as lifelong companions:

• They both want to be close
• They both want to be strong individuals as well as a strong couple
• They both take responsibility for making the marriage work
• They both tell the truth
• They both resolve conflicts with a win-win attitude

With kids, jobs, bills, school and everything else that puts demands parents’ time, how can a couple find time to work on their marriage, too?

A strong marriage makes all those other things easier. Try these tips to keep romance alive:

• start each morning with a big hug
• give twenty-second kisses at least once a day
• leave cards and notes where your spouse will find them
• telephone just to say, “I love you.”
• share the best and worst things that happened every day
• listen with your heart as well as with your ears

Those are great ideas that don’t take much time. As a matter of fact, we have a four-minute technique:

There are two critical times of the day for couple communication – they set the tone for the time that follows:

1. The first four minutes when waking in the morning.
2. The first four minutes when you are reunited at the end of the day.

Use these four minutes this way:

1. One minute to embrace, kiss and tell how much you mean to each other.
2. One minute each to share the plans or the happenings of the day.
3. Last minute to encourage and support each other in your individual efforts.

No controversial topics allowed during the four minutes – this is all positive.

For more information on relationships, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

If the typical victim doesn’t talk about it, how can a person tell if there is a problem?

• Have you seen a change in the person’s behavior, or mood changes?
• Does the person stay isolated from family members or move often?
• Does she have no close friends?
• Does she seem obviously troubled and unwilling to talk about it?

People often blame the victim. They say, “I would never let that happen to me. Why doesn’t she just leave?”

Domestic abuse doesn’t just “happen” one day. It develops over time as the abuser exerts improper power and control. Some people are just not as assertive as others, and abusers take advantage of them. Some men and women grow up with fathers who abuse their mothers. They learn that abuse is “normal.”

How can someone have that much control over another?

Abusers control the victim with fear, and often threaten to also hurt the children if the victim tries to leave. Abusers often cut the victim away from any means of self-protection. They control the use of the car and the time spent away from the house. They control all the finances, and limit contacts with friends and family. They often move a lot, in order to better hide the abuse.

What if you suspect a problem and aren’t sure what to do?

Call our crisis line and describe the situation. They will give specific ideas how to help. Call the crisis line for any reason.

Ask the person. Tell her what you see and that you are concerned. Let her know you are willing to help her find some answers.

What other ways can people help?

• Be involved.
• Encourage the victim to get help.
• Give her a brochure or wallet card.
• Sit with her as she calls the crisis line.
• Call the crisis line for her, or go with her to see a counselor. Victims are scared and need a lot of encouragement to reach out for help.
• Don’t confront the abuser. They are unpredictable, and you could be endangering the victim. The abuser needs help too, but until they both get help, things rarely change.

Bring domestic abuse out of the shadows. Take a look at what is happening around you, and accept the fact that you could make a difference in the life of a victim.

For more information on domestic abuse, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

• Firsts are more attuned to the outside world. “Child of the Father” (Fifth children start over as first)
• Seconds are more internal. “Child of the Mother” (Sixth is second)
• Thirds are affected by the relationships of family members. “Child of the Marriage”
• Fourths are concerned about the entire family functions. “Child of the Family”

An only child is viewed as first. Twin birth order is a matter of family perception.

In the last tip, we talked about 1st & 2nd born children. Now, let’s move on to third children. Remember, if you are a 7th child, you would have the same characteristics as a third. Describe what third children are like.

Thirds are born into a complex network of relationships, where children outnumber the parents. They tend to focus on relationship issues for the purpose of feeling connected to others. The children first and most likely to be distressed by marital or other relationship difficulties in the family. They want parents to be happy and may act as if they don’t care, but they care deeply. Can also be stubborn. They are often introspective – the kind parents often refer to as “spacey.”

What specific things can parents keep in mind to make it easier to parent these third-born children?

Thirds need time to retreat from the family – to withdraw – to observe. Give plenty of choices, especially when they are “stuck” on something. They learn best when they understand the principles or the connections behind the task. They respond best when rules are connected to preserving balance in family relationships.

Why is the fourth child called the “Child of the Family?”

Now the family is even more complex — the 4th child tries to perceive and understand the family as a whole. Fourths tend to be expressive and loving. They respond to any family member’s pain. They want everyone to get along and are happy when the family is happy. Might ask for “group hugs.”

What can we do for “fourths?”

Parents should connect rules and discipline to how it benefits some overall family goal. Fourths tend to be easily overwhelmed – try to cut the 4th child’s tasks down to size. Help them feel less responsible for all the family’s problems. Since they may be more connected to the “big picture,” they may need help in learning to pay attention to the details.

For more information on relationships, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

• Firsts, or oldest, can be serious, responsible and over achieving/bossy. They want results. “Child of the Father”
• Seconds often more emotional, may feel overlooked, can be trouble-making. They want to “fit in.” “Child of the Mother”
• Thirds are worried about relationships and sometimes viewed as “spacey.” They want choices. “Child of the Marriage”
• Fourths are concerned about the entire family functions. Often spoiled, indulged, never give up being “the baby.”
• Fifth children start over as first, sixth is second, and so on.

An only child is viewed as first. Twin birth order is a matter of family perception.

So what are firstborn children like?

Firstborns tend to focus on the parent who makes an impact in the world – in traditional families, the father. They often are the focus of intense, high expectations. With a first child, parents set out to prove to themselves and to the world that they are capable of being successful parents. Firsts tend to uphold family values; they use logic and order to make sense of the values.

What specific things can parents keep in mind to make it easier to parent firstborn children?

Firsts have trouble making sense of the whole. They tend to focus on details. They often have a particular need for clear expectations. Parents should reassure them they are loved for who they are, not what they do. Otherwise, they tend to feel inadequate. They may appear distant and non-expressive emotionally, but have the same need for affection and approval.

How about second children?

Remember, if you are a 6th child, you would have the same characteristics as 2nd children. Seconds tend to focus on the internal, emotional life in the family. They identify with the parent whose presence is most significant within the family – in traditional families, the mother. Emotionally they can become overwhelmed or confused about whose feelings they are feeling, like a radio picking up to many signals. Seconds may be sensitive to discrepancies about what people say and how they feel.

What should parents keep in mind for second-born children?

Second children need discipline based on clear, explicit limits. It’s often best if parents are emotionally low-key. Seconds need their parents to help them make sense of the emotional world — what people say and how they feel. At times of difficulty, they need affectionate reassurance that they hold a special “place” in the family.

For more information on relationships, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.