• physical health – their bodies need sleep to regenerate the energy they use
• attitude – a rested child is more cooperative and happy

Bedtimes are usually later during the summer because kids don’t have to get up for school. But in some families, bedtime gets later and later as the summer progresses. How do parents begin changing the bedtime schedule?

Start by talking about it for a few days. Get them in the right frame of mind to begin. The next week, send them to bed earlier. Don’t force them to sleep — but they must lie in bed, even if they are not tired. They can read.

How do you get a child to go to sleep when the sun is still shining and he can hear other children playing outside?

It’s true that nobody wants to miss out on the fun. Don’t forget the importance of bedtime routines (snack, bath, story, lights off). These routines slow children down in steps. Go through the routine with your child to make sure he does it and to satisfy his need for attention when he’s not tired yet.

What about older children? Should they have a later bedtime?

The routine will actually go much smoother if all children go to bed at the same time. Older children can begin their bedtime routine in their room, when the younger children have lights off. Then they can quietly read, listen to music, work on a craft project, and fall asleep later. Some families may prefer to just admit that older children get to stay up later.

How do we handle children who don’t cooperate, and refuse to go to sleep?

Examine the situation:

• is she not tired, or over-tired? Regulate naps during the day.
• is he scared or worried? Talk for awhile before saying goodnight.
• does she want to stay up and play? Tell her the clock says it’s bedtime (Important to use the clock when she tries to negotiate — if the clock says bedtime, then it is bedtime. Period.).

Make sure she understands the consequences of not cooperating. Be consistent.

For more information call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

• Friendly teasing: playful, gentle, with a genuine smile
• Aggressive teasing: overly critical, taunting, sneering, hurt feelings

Teach your children the difference. Stop it if it isn’t fun for everyone.

What if your son really did do something silly, but your daughter is going overboard teasing him about it? Should you intervene?

You should balance the situation. Explain to your daughter that everyone has the right to make mistakes—that’s how people learn. Encourage your daughter to be tolerant about differences – to see her brother’s point of view. Let her know that she is going too far, and it’s time to stop. Have her leave the room if she doesn’t stop. Above all, don’t allow teasing to escalate into anything more aggressive. Make it clear what is allowed.

Some people say that children and adults who tease are compensating for their own shortcomings.

Sometimes people accuse others of the very weaknesses they see in themselves. It’s a defense mechanism that keeps them from admitting what they fear.

What if your child comes home and is heartbroken because of teasing that day? How do you console him teach him to be strong and not let it bother him?

If he is heartbroken, then examine those feelings with him. Is he angry, sad, or merely frustrated? It’s OK to feel bad about it. It’s not OK to plan revenge.

Try to help him understand it:

• what was it really about?
• why did the teasing bother him?
• is there some truth to it?

Help him explore ways to resolve the problem:

• is there something he can do so he’s not teased about that again?
• use humor to brush it off
• ignore it
• ask for help from an adult
• make the teaser a friend—it often works

When do you get professional help?

Seek help if the child seems depressed and withdrawn or if you see an unhealthy change in friends and activities.

For more information on coping with teasing, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

• Confusion
• Tendency to look for simple answers: who is to blame, why can’t we find them, revenge, etc.
• Excitement: based on the child mixing up “real” violence versus television, film and video game violence–this may seem unreal.
• Increase in aggressive or war-themed play
• Fear
• Loss of routine and security
• Anxious, disorganized, restless behavior
• Sleep difficulties
• Less mature behavior than usual

The questions you might be asked:

• Who did this, what did they do, and why?
• Am I going to get hurt or is something going to happen here to hurt people I know?

How should you handle questions:

• Very young children should be kept to a usual routine and shielded from news or intense discussion. If they have specific questions, they are likely to be based on immediate observations of those around them, such as why a parent or friend is upset.
• School-age children cannot be completely protected. They will hear things and they will have questions. They do not need to be overwhelmed with news broadcasts. Ask them what they have heard and what they have questions about.
• Give short, factual answers. Be honest but not overwhelmingly blunt. Offer information at the child’s level of understanding until their need to know is satisfied.
• Give them time to process what you discuss.
• Listen. We can’t assure kids that everything is OK, because it isn’t.
• Share how you are handling the stress. How do you calm and comfort yourself, and what brings you reassurance during a difficult time?
• Let them know that worries and concerns are normal reactions and OK to feel. Offer reassurance, presence and companionship.
• Let them know that many of the changes they are seeing are in place to protect them. For example, no planes are flying until we are sure it is safe. Emphasize the precautions that are being taken to keep kids and families safe.
• Build a sense of control to help reduce stress. If there are ways that children or youth can help—in the family, the neighborhood or the community—help them do it.
• Offer art materials such as paint, clay or collage to offer creative release and to use in expressing feelings.

For more information on talking to children during a national crisis, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

How do you tell if it’s an unhealthy habit?

In the case of a pacifier, who decides when to use it – the baby or the parent? If parents “plug up” the baby all the time, it’s probably overused. They should be given only after other methods of satisfying the baby have been tried.

If the child is miserable all day without his blanket while he is in first or second grade, his problem could be deeper than even the blanket can fix. Watch for behavior that is inappropriate or excessive for that age group. Ask an expert for advice.

How old should they be when they give them up?

It depends on the child and his circumstances. Some will be fiercely independent, and will be proud to give it up at age four or five. Others may need a warm, fuzzy object until they are well into grade school; although they may hide it from most people. Those kids may need to go to kindergarten with a little piece of it in their pocket. Physicians say pacifiers should be given up by age two, because of the developing dental structure. But many toddlers want to use them until they are three or four years old. Redirect the child to a blanket or stuffed animal if he still needs something.

How do you begin to take the security blanket away?

It’s better to let the child decide when to give up the object. Parents should respect how much that blanket means, and treat the child as the person in charge of it. The child will want to give it up when he becomes more conscious of his image with peers, so you won’t have to force him to do it. But do talk about it—tell your child that as she gets older, she will want to give it up. Discuss when it’s more appropriate to leave it in the car or at home. Talk about the techniques she might try when she’s ready to give it up. Acknowledge that it might be difficult, but you are confident she will succeed. And she will — with your gentle encouragement.

For more information on security symbols, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

Help preschoolers identify, label and express their feelings. Let them make decisions so they learn how to make right choices.

Teach them to understand what is healthy and what is unhealthy for their bodies. We provide drug education through our HALO program—Healthy Alternatives for Little Ones. It’s offered at child care centers all around the metro area.

What about those early elementary years–kindergarten to third grade. What kind of discussions should we be having with children at this age?

Kids are very interested in how the body works. It’s a good time to discuss things that are harmful to their bodies. Be sure your discussions stay in the “here and now.’ Relate to people and events the child knows about.

It is said that grades 4 to 6 is the most important time for parents to focus on increased education. Give us some steps we can use with our children to make it easier for the child to refuse an offer of alcohol or drugs.

• Teach them to ask questions about something suspicious: “What is it? Where did you get it?”
• Tell them to say “No”: they shouldn’t discuss or argue. Say “no” and show they mean it by walking or turning away
• If the person won’t accept “No” then make sure your child has reasons why he or she has made the decision not to use drugs: “It will hurt my body/interfere with my game/my parents will go berserk.”
• Suggest something else to do—this shows that the child rejects the drugs, not the friend.

You know how it works; you walk in the door and say “Boy, what a horrible day. I think I’ll have a glass of wine.” How do young children hear that?

Children identify our motives for behavior. Using alcohol as a stress reducer models the wrong behavior. – Definitely don’t have a couple of beers or a glass of wine & then drive to the soccer game or the grocery store.

For more information on drug-free children, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

First, you have to decide that communication is a priority. Then listen to yourself to get an idea of your own personal style — think about what you say and how you say it. Make sure that you take every opportunity you have to talk positively to your child. Compliment him; tell her how much you enjoyed something she said or did. Watch for those moments, because it’s easy to let them slide by. Then you will build the foundation for the more difficult negotiations later on.

How do you handle the situation when you can see an argument developing, and nothing you say to your child seems to help?

If it gets too emotional, postpone the argument so you can both cool off. Agree to a definite time you will finish the discussion. Then make it a discussion – not an argument. Use “I” messages, where you focus on your feelings and your concerns. Sometimes you can try a technique called, “starting over.” When an ordinary conversation begins to get uncomfortable, stop for a minute, acknowledge that the conversation is going nowhere, and ask your child if he or she would like to “start over.” Hug and go on to another subject. It’s a great way to diffuse non-productive arguments.

How can children convince their parents they need to communicate better? Do you have a test?

They should give their parents a grade (satisfactory OR needs improvement) on the following skills:

• Are the parents good listeners?
• Are the parents patient?
• Are the parents fair and consistent?
• Do the parents say exactly what is expected of you?
• Do the parents give clear reasons for rules?
• Are the parents available to talk and do things with you?

If your parents score a “needs improvement” on any of the questions listed above, there are several things you can do to improve the communication link:

• Tell your parents how you want to them to talk to you.
• Struggle to be patient with your parents.
• Try to understand what is really important to them.
• Be honest! If you are caught, admit it.
• Be willing to compromise in some way.

For more information on parent/child communication, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

Punishment is part of discipline, but is only a small part. It is more productive to think more in terms of “consequences” rather than “punishment.” You are responsible for punishment, but your child is responsible for consequences. The goal is to be so good at discipline that consequences are rarely necessary.

Do’s

1. Do accept your child’s choices if you give options.
2. Do accept feelings, because they are valid.
3. Do earn respect by being kind, firm and consistent.
4. Do enforce the rules you set.
5. Do earn affection by showing your love.
6. Do act fast when it’s necessary; but Do think about it later.
7. Do realize there are reasons why children can’t or won’t express why they did something.
8. Do give children responsibility. If you give them a job and they fail, don’t take it away from them. Give them another chance to learn how to do it right.
9. Do learn what is reasonable to expect from a child.
10. Do remember that children learn more from what they see than what they are told.

Don’ts

1. Don’t give children a choice unless you are willing to accept their decision.
2. Don’t deny a child’s feelings.
3. Don’t demand respect.
4. Don’t demand a behavior you can’t or won’t intend to enforce.
5. Don’t try to buy a child’s affection.
6. Don’t be afraid to make a mistake.
7. Don’t always expect children to tell you why they did something.
8. Don’t teach children to be responsible by taking responsibility away from them.
9. Don’t expect children to behave like adults.
10. Don’t forget that as a parent, you must model self-discipline in order for your child to take you seriously.

If a child does not learn from the consequences, then it’s merely punishment.

For more information on parenting and discipline, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

How does age affect honesty?

Children as young as 4 years old tell deliberate lies to get out of trouble. Up to age 8, fear of parent disapproval will discourage lying. Adolescents react more to the consequences, so they need to have logical consequences for lying. Not until a child is a teenager does he or she begin to understand how lying destroys trust. These are abstract concepts, and abstract reasoning does not develop until this time.

Why do children lie?

The child’s first lie is a significant separation tool – they are establishing independence from parents. The intent of the lie is an important factor. Making up things is a product of fantasy, and is perfectly normal in young children. Often, it is an attempt to understand what is real and what is imagined. The parent helps clarify the real by talking with the child. But lying to deliberately mislead or deceive is more serious; and should result in immediate, appropriate consequences.

What are appropriate consequences for lying?

Harsh punishment is not appropriate, because it only creates a fear of punishment. As always, the consequence should relate to the misbehavior:

• Lying about homework can result in no television.
• Lies about where the child was after school results in coming straight home.
• Lies of omission, like driving while drinking, should result in no driving privileges.

Be matter-of-fact about the lying – think “consequences,” not “punishment.”

What about a child who lies frequently, even when he or she is caught?
Children can be such good manipulators that adults are impressed with their “honesty.” In fact, the child may be asking for help. Children who are chronic liars can grow into deceiving adolescents and adults: theft, scams, etc. Decide if the child lies 1) too often, and 2) for the wrong reasons. If the answer is “yes,” an evaluation by a professional is an important step in the right direction.

For more information on parenting children, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

Yes. Infants display anger when they’re hungry, tired or frustrated; toddler begin to display temper tantrums, throwing things; adolescent: stop following rules, break things and fight. Some children suppress anger, which can lead to depression, underachievement, and isolation.

What can parents do to help their children with anger?

Understand that anger is a legitimate emotion that should be accepted. Be tolerant of the feeling. The parent must remain calm for the entire time, and lovingly acknowledge the painful feelings. If the child is acting out, begin by calming the child. Encourage him or her to take a deep breath or to do other calming actions. Ask questions to find out more. Is the anger appropriate to the cause? Is there an underlying cause that is being masked? Give problem-solving suggestions, but not too many—just enough to get the child thinking for himself. If necessary, end by acknowledging that even though anger is acceptable, certain behaviors are not. Above all, be a good role model about handling your own anger in front of your children.

If children are not taught how to manage their anger when they are young, what effect does that have when they are adults? Why is it so important to teach children to control their anger?

Uncontrolled anger in a child often results in an unhappy adult. They may not be able to express their true feelings, and have difficulty in problem solving. Because anger affects others, these adults may find themselves in unhappy relationships. It also can result in higher crime rates with people resorting to violence to express their feelings because they know no other method.

What if the child is out of control?

If the problems are severe in your family, you might call Heartland Family Service to ask for a counseling appointment. The counselor will help you evaluate your situation.

For more information on parenting angry children, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.

Let’s start by defining greed. What does it mean to be “greedy?” Greed is simply the desire for things that goes beyond whatever is normal for your family. There are things a child needs and things he or she wants. Greed is an empty craving for things.

Is it normal for kids to be greedy?

Yes. Children are born thinking only of their own needs and how to get what they want. That’s how all of us begin. They like to be surrounded by things. If it shines, whistles, cries, dances, moves fast or is just bigger and better; children want it. Having a lot of things makes them feel powerful and in control, just like adults. So the parents’ duty is to “civilize” children by teach them self-control. Controlling greed is part of self-control, and the holidays are a perfect time to do that.

Ok, so now we understand greed – how do we prevent it?

1. Have your children make a “wish list,” and mark their most wanted items. Let them know early that they won’t (and shouldn’t) get everything on the list. Working on a wish list forces children to understand how much they are asking for & what is really important to them.
2. Allow sneak previews. If a gift for your young child arrives early in the mail, let him open it. Early presents take some of the tension away, as well as occupying your child during this busy time.
3. Don’t be afraid to say you can’t afford something. It’s very important for children to understand the concept of limits. Encourage them to give gifts to others, especially if they are spending their own money. (They learn about limits quickly when they have very little.) Promises are fine gifts. Help them make little booklets of “promise certificates” – written promises of things they will do for someone when that person “collects” on the promise. Consider reading a book together, mowing the lawn, cooking a dinner or arranging a visit. Show them what you mean by giving your family a present of fun together – don’t always focus on “things.”
4. And remember older people and the less fortunate – teach your children to help a neighbor with a chore or give up one new toy for a needy child. Look into “Adopt a Family” programs, and consider adopting a family for a whole year.

What about when the family opens presents?

Accept the fact that your children may be too excited to be polite – but remind them anyway. Slow the pace – take turns opening gifts, so you can demonstrate how to be polite when receiving a gift. Focus on the feelings of goodwill and on the generosity of the giver. And if certain presents soon lose their novelty, set them aside for later. A neglected gift might mean more again in January or February.

So what do children actually need from their parents for the holidays?

1. To learn realistic expectations about gifts that will help them understand the importance of balance in their lives.
2. Traditions that support a strong sense of “family”—traditions they will share with their own children.
3. The opportunity to spend some relaxed time together so you can explore what the holidays mean to your family.
4. Even pacing of holiday activities and a somewhat regular schedule to maintain established family routines.

None of the above can be purchased, but these are gifts that last a lifetime. These are the special gifts that a family shares.
For more information on parenting children, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org.